The amazing Stephanie Howell issued a challenge today to “Blog Your Heart.” So, I am.
2011 was not an easy year for me, but I know people who had it harder. And that makes me feel that I have no right to complain. That’s self-imposed, by the way. No one tells me that I can’t complain.
And since Stephanie issued the challenge, and since I’ve been wanting to blog some things for a few weeks now, I’ve decided to use New Year’s Eve to my advantage, and get this off my chest.
February 12th, 2009 was the day that I found out that we would not be having any children, of our own. It was the day that my last fertility treatment was cancelled, because the frozen embryos did not survive the thaw.
That was after two fresh rounds of IVF.
That was after three rounds of clomid and the “not as fun as it sounds” timed intercourse.
My husband has “perfect sperm”. Which makes all of this my fault. And for those of you who want to know, my fertility “issue” is that my tubes are blocked. Plus, at the time, I was in my late 30’s, also known as “advanced maternal age”, which I likened to the other “AMA”, against medical advice. As in, it’s against MY medical advice to tell me that I am at an advanced maternal age. Just saying.
Anyway, that was almost three years ago. And I got over it, eventually. It wasn’t easy, but it happened. And we went on with our lives, and spoiled other people’s children.
I made some good friends during my infertility journey. One of them, we’ll call her Jessica (because that’s her name), is still a very good friend of mine. And we still email, talk, and text each other all the time. You know, like when I’m having raging PMS and just can’t figure out why I get to have PMS every freaking month, but can’t have a baby.
While I was bitching about my PMS in November, just last month, Jessica said “ummm, you’ve been bitching about PMS for about three weeks now, I think you’re pregnant.” Now, I’m paraphrasing here, because she spent about a week telling me how I must be pregnant. And I finally said to her “I am the least pregnant person you will ever meet, now stop saying that. Thanks.”
And then I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Holy shit, I peed on a stick, and the stick did not win. That has never happened to me before, and Ladies & Gentlemen*, I have peed on a lot of sticks during my two years of fertility treatments.
Miracles do happen. Infertile women do get pregnant the old fashioned way. You know, via sex. It was amazing. Being pregnant. Not the sex. I’m not sure that I remember the sex.
And now I’m not pregnant. I miscarried on December 10th. Which, really, is a whole other post. Holy hell, I had no idea a miscarriage could be so painful. Probably because no one speaks of them, but still, that’s information that people should know. If you’re pregnant, and you know it, and you’re at least eight weeks along, and your body decides to be a bitch and throw the baby out, it’s going to hurt like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. Ever.
So, that’s my 2011 in a nutshell. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage.
I believed in miracles. And then mine was taken away from me.
I have a lot I want to say on this subject, but I’m going to post this right away to get it out there, and end this year on a high note. You’ll be hearing more from me on this subject, I’m sure.
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If you have any questions about infertility, please ask me. I’m sort of an expert since I’ve been through most treatments for it, and would be happy to share my knowledge. I can not help you get pregnant though. Clearly.
* – I know of two men that read my blog, hence the proper usage of the word “gentlemen”.
lisa- my eyes are full of tears and my heart is full of hurt for you. i’m so so very sorry. i wish i could give you a hug. sending you love. so much love.
oh Lisa, I have no words. You and your husband are in my heart.
Oh wifey, there’s so much to read between these lines. This year has been crushing. And it breaks my heart. But I’m glad you put it out here. There’s something cathartic in it I think. We will beat this beast. We did not come this far to go out like this. 2012. The year we made infertility our bitch.
I think you guys needed a trip and a turn of the calendar page. I don’t know if there is more fight to be fought or if it is time to accept what is and find a way to make that WONDERFUL – you’ll figure that out in your own heart. Whichever way you go know that you have many friends who love you and will be here for you in whatever capacity you need.
Mel
dear lisa, I’m so so sorry. Mother nature is so cruel sometimes. You and your family are in my prayers. My cousin went through IVF and miscarried three babies. It was hard, it still is. I never know the right thing to say, but we talk about it anyway.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace in 2012.
Thank you for posting this. Last year was rough for my husband and I too. Like you said, you know of people who have it much worse but you still can’t help complaining. We found out our best shot at having kids was through IVF. When it failed in Oct, I went crazy…not crazy crazy but I haven’t been myself since. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.
Oh wow Lisa I am so sorry to hear of you loss. Makes sense now looking back. PLEASE know I am always here & always will be! {{{HUGS}}}
Lisa, I don’t even know what to say. I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It must have been really hard to write this post, so thank you for sharing it with us. This whole “mother” thing is really hard to handle. I have different issues, but still, it’s definitely one of the most difficult questions women have to deal with. My heart ache for you. I wish I could fly over and give you a big hug. Hope 2012 brings you other miracles.
Cheers from Bordeaux, FR
Oh Lisa, I’m so sorry that you went through this. There are no words.
Thanks Keshet. It does feel better to get this off my chest. Honestly. And I’m thrilled for those around me that are pregnant, and have babies. That includes you. Here’s to a nice, easy labor!
Came here from Keshet’s blog. I believe in miracles. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and joy.
Thank you Karen. I appreciate that.
Lisa – Thank you for sharing your story. You are incrediblely brave and courageous. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and loss. I wish you all the best for the year.
I saw your comment on Keshet’s blog. This topic is probably the most emotionally charged, easy to make you feel crazy and a total rollercoaster ride. My husband and I have been trying for quite a while, and nothing. I haven’t come to terms with going to the doctor and starting the whole official “infertility” stuff, I guess because I have to face the fact that I failed on my own in this. It’s crazy hard, and something that is very hard for people to understand. Everyone around me is pregnant, and I can truly be happy for them, even if I’m hiding under my bed some of those days. Thank you for sharing. Your story is heartbreaking and you will be on my prayer list for 2012 each day.
I randomly came across your blog…you’re brave, courageous, amazing, strong, enduring and touching the lives of many by sharing your story. I hope 2012 was better for you and that 2013 will be the best yet!
I have also had two miscarriages. You are so brave to share your story. I am sending you so much love and some really big hugs <3
You are so incredibly brave and strong, Lisa. I love you dearly and hate that you’ve endured this pain. The person you are despite that pain makes me adore you even more.