Today

I have so many things to say. So many things going through my head. Pardon the rambling.

First. My sincerest thoughts and prayers go out to the people affected in today’s tragedy. 

I don’t know how these things happen. I don’t know what makes someone take a gun into a school with the intention of killing people. Of killing children. I’m glad I don’t know. I don’t want to join the ranks of people who are so far gone that this is what they do.

I don’t have children. That is not by choice. Sometimes I question why I can’t have children. Is it because I’d be a bad mother? Because I’m going to have cancer and would leave that child motherless? And when things like this happen I can’t help but wonder why the people that commit these horrible crimes can have children. 

I ran some errands this afternoon. This was after I’d heard about this horrific shooting. I didn’t want to be home. I knew I’d read news stories that weren’t accurate, that weren’t vetted, and I was already crying. I needed to be away from the news.

While at target I heard a woman say to what looked like her five year old daughter, “you either go to San Diego with us or you stay home alone in the house”. Who says this to their child? Let alone on a day like today? I wanted to turn to her and say “ma’am, if you don’t want your child, I’ll be more than happy to take her, and would never threaten to leave her alone in a house while her family was away.”

Then I was driving home and my local radio station had an announcement about a vigil this afternoon. A time to come together as a community and offer support to one another. I thought that was a nice thing. Then they played a song. “Pumped Up Kicks”. Do you know this song? Do you know the lyrics? Here’s an excerpt:

I had to pull the car over. I was crying, instantly. tried to call the station but the lines were busy. I was hoping it was because other outraged people were calling them, but it ends up it was contest time. I tweeted them instead. figuring it would be instantaneous. this is what I said:

Then I did what I could to make myself feel better. Hugged a friend’s four and five year old daughters. And hid my tears.

If you have children, please, go hug them, and don’t ever let them go.

Edited to Add: I just got an email from the on-air personality from the radio station. He was very apologetic. Explained that the music is pre-picked and not changeable, and that when he heard the song his heart sank. I appreciate him replying to my email, and understand that he felt the same way I did, and do. He has asked for that song to be removed from rotation for the next short while. I’m glad.